Living through a pandemic will change you. This, I can say because living through a pandemic has changed me. It forced me to open my eyes to alternative paths and ways of navigating life that previously scared me until I had no choice but to consider the option. Living through a pandemic has given me a lot of time to evaluate my life and my goals (with the whole having to stay in thing, yeah… make sure you are doing that) and I have decided to take a gap year. So, yes. I am dropping out of college in the middle of a pandemic.
In high school, college seemed like my escape. Like most people living in an unfavorable situation, and with the way college is romanticized, college seems like the perfect way to get away from home and make something of yourself. When you come from a lower-income household where most of your family aren’t college graduates, going to college also seems like the only way to work your way into wealth. Of course, you forget about the generational wealth and greater opportunities afforded to white college students being the reason they are more likely to attend college and succeed and that hard work has nothing to do with how likely you are to actually succeed in capitalist America like we’ve been trained to believe. Additionally, coming from a lower-income household means you have to find your own way to financially support your 60K a year college education. So, while college seemed like the perfect escape, reality will bite you in the ass.
Now, I am not completely against going to college. When you look past its racist and classist history, there’s a lot to be said for what you can learn (not that you can’t learn it elsewhere) and the connections that can be made. College is a huge decision and many different factors come into play when making the decision to go or not go. People have various reasons for why they chose one path or another and how they decide to do it. However, I am not sure that was a decision I was ready to make at 18 before I had a chance to even step out into the world as an individual. There was so much pressure to know exactly what you wanted to do or have your passion figured out when we barely had a chance to truly figure ourselves out or grow as individuals. We spent 8 hours a day in an environment full of pressure, stress, and judgment that we truly, at 18, didn’t have space to really figure anything out. Even if you didn’t know who you were or what you wanted to do the popular advice is to just “go to college and figure it out” but spending sixty-plus thousand dollars a year on something I am unsure of just doesn’t seem very smart to me anymore.
I began questioning my true purpose in going to college at the end of 2020. Naturally, I was already taking a break from school because of Covid-19 and my school’s inexplicable shadiness towards their “reopening plan” during the summer. However, when it was time to register for the Spring 2021 semester, I was unsure of my relationship with being in college, and if I should really go back. I had a semester of self-discovery and I knew that journey was not finished. When I thought of who I was and the habits I had when I was in school versus, during my time off, I knew that school was, in fact, hindering my growth not helping it. That’s not to say school is completely unbeneficial but it just was not beneficial to me at this time in my life in the space that I am. So, I said something I never thought would be true for me but school is not for me … at least right now.
This realization completely turned my world upside down. Ever since I saw my opportunity to go to college, I was the biggest advocate for it. Since the schooling system had me completely brainwashed and romanticized the “struggling college student” experience, I actually looked forward to it. I had the mindset of, “Get away from home, go to college, and life will turn out perfect”. Unlearning the mindset that I have to follow one specific path was difficult for me but I had to accept that I am a different person than I was at 18 when I made those decisions. The thought of going back to college this semester made me want to crawl into a ball and not face the world. It gave me this sinking feeling. I felt the lowest I had since deciding to take a break and I decided attending school shouldn’t make me feel that way. If I am happier and more satisfied with my life not going to school, why would I go back?
So yes. I am taking a break. Maybe I’ll decide to go back next semester or maybe next year but I know that this break is right for me. I need to spend time growing and learning about and with myself. I am grateful to have a safe space and the opportunity to take a different route with the support of my loved ones. So, in light of Covid-19 turning the world upside down, don’t be afraid to challenge what you previously thought was true. Change is okay. Life is about change and it is natural and expected. Question why you’re doing everything and do not be afraid to explore a different option that might make you happier. I never thought I would be dropping out of college in the middle of a pandemic yet here I am.
