I Fell in Love With the Version of Myself I Portrayed on Social Media
In 2020, the average person spent 2 hours and 24 minutes on social media daily. That’s 114 minutes, 8,640 seconds, and enough time to walk 7 miles. Two weeks ago, I felt something was not right. I would open social media, scroll for a few minutes, knowing I was not entertained, exit the app and then reopen the app like they birthed something new and fresh in the 10 seconds since I had closed it. I did this because it was a habit. I did this because even though I knew I was gaining nothing from it, I had this desire to continuously be connected, to know what was going on. I also continued to open it to post. I was posting consistently day in and day out and if there’s one thing I know about me: this was abnormal.
I, for the longest time, would stay away from posting on social media without a purpose. Mindlessly posting without adding anything of value to the lives of others was just not my cup of tea. Nobody needed to see twenty selfies of me daily or an update of my every move every hour. However, suddenly and unexpectedly, this is who I became. I still wanted to be posting something meaningful sometimes so positive messages and important talks were really important to me but, much of it was still, “Hey look at what I’m doing” or “Hey look at what I’m wearing/ Aren’t I cute?” I tried to convince myself it was all for me. That even though I was posting all of this for my friends to see that I was truly only doing it for me but, if that was completely true, why would I post in the first place?
So, I listened to my intuition and I knew it was time for another social media break. If you are repeatedly saying, “I am obsessed with myself” because you are posting and talking about yourself a lot, it’s probably time to take a step back. If you have been following my blog since the beginning of September of 2020, you will know that I actually took my first social media break then and you can read about it here. However, that time was different. I was starting a new journey of growth yet now, I had already been on my journey and been doing great but, there is such a thing as too much of yourself. I had grown to become so self-absorbed I wanted everybody else to become obsessed with me too. In doing this, I knew it was not right. My endless search for validation and attention from others meant I truly did not love myself the way I thought I did, but instead, loved the version of myself I portrayed.
I spent hours rewatching my own stories, looking at my own post, rewatching videos I had taken of myself and it was not healthy. I fell in love with looking at myself and hearing what I had to say but I was not consuming any new positive information that was helping me grow. I was not connected to people so I decided to disconnect so that I could reconnect in the way I needed to. So here’s what happened when I took my two-week social media break.
I fell out of love with myself. This was necessary. I never truly loved myself when I was constantly posting, as I previously mentioned. I was just in love with who I was portraying but that was not a genuine version of myself. To truly learn to love me and fall in love with myself, I needed to be realistic about who I am. I needed to start over and look at myself without the rose-colored glasses. So I have been learning to love myself again and recognize who I am in a real and raw way.
I slowed down. I had no choice. I needed to focus on what was real and actually going on in my life. I no longer felt this sense of always being busy. I still had a lot going on, maybe even more than when I had social media, but it did not feel as overwhelming. I also did not feel this constant need to keep up with everybody and do a lot because I did not know what everybody else was doing.
I was able to finish a lot of personal projects. Knitting a hat for the first time. Taking online classes to improve my writing. Taking online classes to learn more about film photography, a new hobby I am picking up. I was able to do these things and genuinely know I was doing them for myself because I was not sharing them with the world.
I took the steps toward moving forward. I resigned from the job that I originally got as a temporary thing. I wanted it to stay that way. I needed to resign to truly move forward in the way I wanted to and as I am in a privileged position where I do not have important bills, I was able to do so. I am excited to continue growing and move forward. Best of all, I know this what I truly wanted because there were no outside influences impacting my decision.
My break was not easy though. I craved the attention I used to receive when constantly posting. I was forced to deal with certain struggles more personally. I was not able to just go on social media and forget them. I was not as spiritually in tune as I would’ve liked to be and that’s okay. There’s only room to grow and be more focused. I went on the path I went for a reason. I do truly believe everything happened for a reason and it brought me here and where I am is ready to continue to kick-ass at life. I had several mental breakdowns. Moments of loss and confusion but that is what happens when there is change.
So, what does this mean for you? Pay attention. Listen to yourself. If something does not feel right, if things are off-balance, if you feel like you have not been yourself, then you probably should change something. Whether that means taking a social media break, letting go of what makes you unhappy, or taking the time to find out what brings you joy, do it! We are always growing and evolving as people. Life is a journey. Something that may have been right for you in the past may not be right for you now. Something that you may have started as a positive thing may not be so positive and right for you anymore. Take time to reflect. Do you like who you see when you look at yourself? Who are you and who do you want to see? What are you doing that brings you joy?
Taking this break from social media to recenter and refocus has really been essential for me. It changed the way I use social media. I found myself missing it when it was not there at first and now I find myself able to go most of the day without that itch to check Twitter or Instagram. I fell in love with the version of myself I portrayed on social media but now I am ready to fall in love with the real me. The me that is overcoming an eating disorder. The me that refused to work a job she hates just because it is what I am supposed to do. The me that is not always positive but tries her best to be because she knows how hard life can be. The me that is exploring her spirituality and coming to terms with emotions she’s suppressed for years. The me that’s healing and is not perfect and always happy but who is abundant and content. Life is not perfect but it is ours and sometimes we get off track or hit a rough patch but that is okay. We are human. We are learning. We are growing. And best of all, we are real.
